You cannot control other people saying that -“No, you should do this or do that”, which is basically your expectations of them. And that is where all the unhappiness begins. Other people have other priorities, right? They may not match your expectations. So you have to be vocal about your expectations to them.
You have to do that expectation setting, which I’ll cover in a different podcast. As to how to go about setting your expectations with others. But before you even go there, you have to manage your own expectations. First, you have to first understand that it is okay to control your own life and the things that [00:15:00] happen to you, control the outcomes.
Yes, it is possible. You can actually control the outcome of everything in your life. Because I have done that and it requires some sort of thinking and planning. It is entirely possible. Most people don’t want to do that because they don’t think that things could go wrong.
They are optimistic, which is not a bad thing. But if you have been facing too much disappointment and too much upsetting recently, and you’re seeing this pattern come up, then your first tool to go to would be expectation management of your own self first. This is that step. Yeah. And then the final step of this framework of managing your own expectation is -set other people’s expectations. Now that you are aware of what you want and how exactly you want it to be met, you go to other people who you depend on and tell them- this is what I want and ask them if they are okay [00:16:00] with that. They may not be always okay with whatever you’re saying.
They may have a different idea. You have to accommodate that because if they say no to the way you have proposed, you need to have a backup plan when your need is not met.
So there is this quotation from Bhagwad Gita. So Gita is a Hindu scripture from the epic Mahabharata. And a lot of us, Indians, really find a lot of value in what is being said in Bhagavad Gita.
So I’ll share one of those quotations in Sanskrit, which says-
nirāśhīr yata-chittātmā tyakta-sarva-parigrahaḥ
śhārīraṁ kevalaṁ karma kurvan nāpnoti kilbiṣham
Bhagwad Gita
What it means is-” free from expectations and the sense of ownership. With mind and intellect fully controlled. [00:17:00] They (which means people actually) incur no sin, even though performing actions by one’s body. Even Bhagavad Gita is talking about not having expectations.
Gita talks about an impossible way of managing our expectations, which is- not to expect at all. Which is not possible for human beings. But what we can do instead is manage our own expectations and fully control our mind, our thoughts, and the outcomes that we want. Because that would minimize the unhappiness that we experience in this life.
As a summary, I would say reset your expectations when things don’t go as per your plan. Instead sort of expecting others to do exactly what you want. Because the moment you start expecting from others, there are chances that they may or may not do that, or maybe do it grudgingly. This will cause unhappiness and suffering to both.[00:18:00]
Instead, give them an option. Tell them what you want and give them an option as to what you want and what’s your solution or way of doing it. And what do they think? Listen to some alternate proposals that they may have. If they give a third solution, which you haven’t thought about, which solves both of your needs, then go for that.
Don’t compromise on your own needs. Or don’t even make the other person compromise because it will cause silent suffering and resentment. We all know how compromise feels like. Compromise is never the best solution. So find the solution that is a win-win for both of you. If they have to compromise, they will resent you, and they will not be open to you or be helpful to you in the future. Because they will think- it is only you who stands to gain [00:19:00] from this transaction and they don’t gain anything from this transaction or relationship. They will start resenting you because you don’t think about them. You only are thinking about your own needs. You don’t care about whether their needs are met or not.
If you say, for example, can’t agree upon any solution with them, then involve a third party who can help you reach a logical conclusion. Otherwise, you always have alternatives as to how to meet your needs or meet your expectations. If this person is not able to do it the way you want. Just don’t accept and agree to accept nonsense and silently suffer. Don’t make the other person also suffer.
Sometimes we don’t think about others, but only ourselves. We don’t think how our words, actions influence others and what other problems they may be facing, which we don’t know. And our expectations would actually make their life more miserable without us knowing. So always try to [00:20:00] find those things out.
At the same time, also make sure you speak up about your needs clearly. You say or set your expectations very clearly. Otherwise, they’ll simply be ignored or not even be considered by others because people are always thinking about their own selves, right? So you have to be very clear on what do you want, to avoid future disappointment. Now that you have gotten a grasp of how to manage your expectations- one thing that you will experience, which is that one thing I was talking about at the beginning of this podcast, is that even after you manage all these expectations and do all these techniques, you may still feel upset. This is where the healing of past pain and trauma from disappointments comes into the picture.
When someone lets you down if you feel triggered. And gives rise to those specific negative thoughts that- “why does this happen [00:21:00] with me always?”, or “God really doesn’t want good things in my life”. Or those kinds of negative generalizations or negative thoughts that keep recurring in your head that every time face disappointments with somebody. If you have some negative thoughts, which you feel like- these situations are repeating in your life, then you need to heal your trauma and that terrible feeling. Because that trauma was caused to you in the past, maybe in your childhood. And all painful thoughts or all negative thoughts, origin from trauma that has been caused to you.
So you have to go and heal that trauma first. And once you heal this trauma, then you have to heal this negative belief after that. Once you have done both the process. Then even when you face disappointments in the future, it will not trigger you. It will not upset you. You might be [00:22:00] annoyed. But you will be able to just go on about your day. It won’t affect you the way it is affecting you right now. If you don’t heal this trauma, which is causing that negative thought and the negative feeling and the feeling of upset- then just one more repetition of this kind of disappointment from somebody, one hit to your past pain and your back spiraling down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts, hurt feelings and whatnot.
And your relationship with the other person also ultimately might get ruined because of your high expectations. Because you do not plan any alternative as to how to get your needs met. No matter how much you do your expectation management, if you don’t know how to heal your pain, then all your plans and management will go out of the window.
The moment you feel pain, everything else stops mattering. So, heal your pain first. Realize that you are much bigger than this [00:23:00] ordinary mortal life that you have. Know your true self. Develop self-awareness. And I will try to have more podcasts about how to develop self-awareness. Because that is a practice, I think all of us, regardless of our age, our work, or anything need to do. Because that is the first step towards mental peace and contentment in life.
Once you have healed yourself and discovered your real self, your true self, you will not act like a kitten. When you are in a bad situation, you will act like the reality- the lion that you are. You will realize what you truly are and you will act accordingly. So self-awareness is a very important thing, which I will cover in a separate podcast.
Even healing of trauma drama requires its own podcast because there’s a lot of details I would like [00:24:00] to get into. So for now, I think I would summarize the framework that I gave you to handle your own expectations. That is first awareness of what it is. The second is recognize- what will happen if it doesn’t get met.
Third is diffusing your expectations by finding alternatives as to how to get that need met. And fourth is act- Act on setting your expectations and other people’s expectations and have your backup plan ready. So ARDA- you can use this acronym to remember these four steps and see if you can start using it in your own life, wherever you are facing disappointments.
Share your thoughts. I would love to hear how it went because I’ve seen it has worked very successfully with mine. Do share your thoughts and comments and feedback. I would love to hear from you.[00:25:00]