This is a trend I have seen rising recently where people who have had toxic parents are realizing that and grappling with it. I have had more clients come to my coaching sessions on this topic recently than at any other time. So I thought of sharing a recent channeled conversation.

Here’s a channeled conversation between one of my clients and Green Tara where my client was deeply hurt and conflicted between forgiving his parents and not wanting to. This is shared with his permission, his name is hidden for privacy. 

Green Tara, as usual, was phenomenal in guiding him and I love her for this. I hope this gives peace to those souls who are going through the same thing.

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The Conversation

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Him: How can I forgive my parents, Green Tara?  On one hand, I feel forgiveness is for me – to feel lighter and not feel the anger. Yet I have trouble forgiving them.

I don’t want to get close to them ever,  or allow them to exploit me or convince me to help them ever again.

What dichotomy it is? Can you please help me?

Green Tara: Dear child, learn to accept your feelings. Your anger is valid and everybody else’s emotion is valid from their point of view.

All thoughts, all emotions are valid from everybody’s own point of view. So, there is no really right or wrong. There is only right and wrong for you.

Whatever is right for you will feel good. Whatever is wrong for you will feel bad.  And it doesn’t matter what it feels for others. If it feels wrong for you, then your feelings are valid, whatever your point of view may be. 

So you feeling angry about their bad behavior is valid. And you could have behaved or confronted that person, but you knew very well that they are not capable of handling rejection. Let alone confrontation.

And you are not really clear what went wrong and why they are behaving that way. So you are trying to understand in which ways you did something wrong to be fair with them. 

And sometimes it can take time because you want to be fair. And there is nothing wrong in wanting to take time to respond. 

There are no missed opportunities. Just because they reacted and you couldn’t respond doesn’t mean you have lost.  You can respond later after coming to terms with it. Sometimes you may not get that opportunity, but what is important is to understand yourself.

Now remember, people don’t think like you do. That is why you go through so much negative emotions. Because you expect people to be fair like you. No, people are not. 

People are not fair like you. Not everybody thinks through everything. 

Assume that, know that, and come from that place of knowledge that they do not have what you do. And this is why I tell you to acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge how far you have come. 

Him: But I always doubt myself. I always doubt myself. If I never for once believed that I was right.

Green Tara: You do believe you were right, once you have come to a conclusion.

Yes, earlier, because of your limiting beliefs, you doubted yourself more. But now, it was a matter of fairness. 

You wonder – did you do something wrong to offend them? To inconvenience them? But at the same time, you were also hurt by that behavior because that was unwarranted.  

Now, you cannot really control other people’s behavior or reactions, but know that they will not evaluate their own behavior.

You do, and hence you need time to respond, and it’s okay to respond slowly. And even to miss the opportunity, because you are mature and they are not. 

When they reach the state of spiritual awakening, they will have that maturity. So given that you have that maturity,  how can you respond that will bring you more peace?

Him: For me it was leaving their place.

Green Tara: Yes. Sometimes you don’t have to get back to people.  ou don’t need to. You leaving is simply a sign that they haven’t done well. 

They could have tried to make things better, but they didn’t.  So why should you settle for less? 

Him: Thank you.

Green Tara: Now coming back to  forgiving your parents – You already know that they are much, much, much less evolved than you are. Let’s accept that. 

And no, this is not a place of hubris. This is seeing the reality the way it is. It’s been so many years and they haven’t changed their ways. They are repeating the same pattern with very little change. 

They are repeating the same behaviors that cause them pain as well as others pain. It is self evident. That they are not evolved. 

They gave birth to you to meet their own needs in their old age. And when you are not meeting that expectation, they are enraged. Because they are entitled. They feel that it is your responsibility to take care of them financially or otherwise, when it’s not.

Because that is how devolved they are  and this is not a judgment. They still haven’t realized that that their expectation is unfair. And that is not your fault. You have a choice to say No. And you were expecting fairness and understanding from spiritually unevolved people who have demonstrably never bothered to become better or happier.

So, the lesson for you about your parents was that to see people for who they are  and acknowledge and accept them and to know that you can never expect understanding or fairness from people who are incapable of doing so. They do not have that awareness and that’s not your fault. Nor is it in their life’s theme. And this was your spiritual evolution. 

This was your journey to realize they are not there yet. And to accept that they are not there yet.

Him: So how can I accept them that they are not there yet? There are certain things they have done deliberately and intentionally, which I know for sure are just pure evil acts. What hurts me is – How can somebody hurt their own children like this?

What did I do to deserve that?

Green Tara: Again, you are expecting fairness  from people  who don’t see you as their child, who simply view you as a resource. Because that is exactly what they gave birth to you for. These are harsh truths that you may not like. 

Him: No, I actually don’t have  a disagreement to that. I already know what you’re telling me. This…. this is true. They continue to violate my boundaries.

Green Tara: Yes, because you are not willing to share your resources with them.  And they want that. They are used to that. They use their entitlement to get it by hook or by crook. They are desperate because they are old and haven’t planned financially for their retirement. They were hoping they will spend their old age depending on you.

Him: Look at how my dad treated me.

Green Tara: Yes, because he believes he’s entitled to have whatever you’re having.  Just because he’s your ‘dad’. 

He thought you were the insurance of his future. And now you have refused,  after seeing that he actually doesn’t care about you or your future, but only his own selfish interests. Now he’s trying to control you.

To get the benefits because he’s also desperate. He also knows that he’s incapable. So he’s gaslighting you, stonewalling you, he’s being rude and mean to you.  Because that’s the only way he can get all of these things he wants. So that you give in to his demands after being emotionally abused like that. He has no idea how much it hurts you.

Because he feels that you have done a serious sin by not supporting him. That is his sense of entitlement.

But now he has realized many things. He has realized that he has lost you. And he deeply regrets it. That’s why you have seen changes in his behavior. He realized that all the games that he was playing is not going to work on you anymore. And now he is at the end of its wits. That’s why he stopped playing games. Because he knows it’s not going to work anymore. 

Him: I still cannot forgive them. On one side I feel I should just forgive them and move on. On the other side, I feel I can’t. 

I feel like it’s not okay to not forgive. 

Green Tara: Accept the part of you that does not want to forgive. That part has absolutely valid reasons.

On the larger scale of things, forgiveness helps, but you cannot reach the state of forgiveness if you do not embrace the part of you that has been deeply hurt by your parents.

If you do not embrace the hurt and pain you have been through because of their bad behavior, you can never forgive them. 

So don’t make forgiveness your objective.  Make love your objective.

Love that part of you that has been hurt.  Make your sole purpose and objective to love and be accepting of that part of you.  Can you do that?

Him: To the best of my ability….

Green Tara: That’s it. Just love and accept that part.  And suddenly you’ll notice there was nothing to forgive.  And you would be free.  

The whole point is to be free, isn’t it? Not forgiveness.

Him: Yes. You are amazing.