How to make friends and network - A Better Living

Have you noticed that after you graduated from school or college, you hardly make new close friends? I don’t mean acquaintances. I mean friends. Especially later in your life when you are older. A lot of us think we have the necessary skills to make friends. Actually we don’t. We turn off people sometimes in our quest to ‘network’ or make new connections. So, in this podcast, I can talk about how to make friends organically. Without being a jackass. Friendships that are meaningful and lasts longer.

Episodes mentioned here: How to stop feeling upset

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Have you noticed that after you graduated from school or college, you hardly make new close friends? I don’t mean acquaintances. I mean friends. Especially later in your life when you are older. A lot of us think we have the necessary skills to make friends. Actually, we don’t. We turn off people sometimes in our quest to ‘network’ or make new connections. So, in this podcast, I can talk about how to make friends organically. Without being a jackass. Friendships that are meaningful and last longer.

Listen to the full podcast: https://abetterliving.co/how-to-make-friends-and-network/

Other episodes which mentioned here: https://abetterliving.co/how-to-stop-feeling-upset/

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Intro music credits:
Track Name: Good vibes only
Artist: Elephant Funeral
Album: Unfinished tales

Podcast transcript

Hello, everyone. Today, I’m going to talk about how to make new friends and how to go about networking.

Those who don’t know about me. I’m Moumita. I talk about work, money, spirituality, science and how to live a better quality of life. If you really like my podcast or this episode, and please do remember to subscribe. And like and leave a review.

My heart breaks when I hear people say that they don’t have more than one or two people that they talk to. In fact, I read some survey where 46 million Americans say that they have only one person or nobody to talk to. That is heart-wrenching right? Why do you have to be friendless?

there are two aspects of friendship. These days, people can meet friends online and they also can make friends in real life.

I have seen both of these kinds of friendships flourish. Because what it takes to make a friendship continue is interest from both side of the parties. But before we even get there, I think the first thing we need to cover is how to make friends. If you are, shy or introverted, you might feel that I cannot put so much effort into making friends. Actually making friends in real life is effortless.

find your common passion, like common hobby and meet people in those groups. Say, if you have a hobby of photography, then sign up with some art photography courses, where there are other people who are also taking courses along with you.

There you will be able to relate with the same passion and talk about it.

If you have a hobby, then you can talk with people who also practice a same hobby. These days, there are so many online platforms where you can sign up for hobbies.

It’s really not that difficult.

In a real life the most simple way, which I practice, is I approach people that I like. The advantage with this is if you are an introvert and you have difficulty approaching people, then a conference like place or even a workplace or in a closed, controlled environment where there are people interacting with each other, you get to observe people what they are doing. Who they are talking with, what they are talking about, before you approach them. So I usually scan the room when I enter into a place where there are a lot of people.

And I scan people and I see who do I like. I don’t have any agenda in my head that- “okay, I want this from this person or that from that person”. Even if I do enter a place with agenda, even then my priority is- who would I really like to talk to? I don’t have to make an effort. I don’t have to put up a front. Who can I just effortlessly go and talk to? Who do I feel is giving me that vibe? That I can effortlessly go and talk with. So you will notice at least one or two people in that room. Who you feel that they are approachable and you like them.

So just gravitate towards people you like and talk with them. Don’t feel afraid of rejection. They could be in a different state of mind, and they may not be interested at that very point of time. So that’s the reason why you have to choose at least two or three people from so many people that you see so that if one of them are not ready to talk for whatever reasons, you can move on to the next.

Most of the time rejection has nothing to do with you.

If you have some negative thoughts in your head that is stopping you from approaching people like, “oh my God, they are going to reject me”. Or If you still feel hurt and rejected, if you approached somebody and they did not show much interest, then I’d suggest you listen to my two other podcasts. One is- how to stop feeling upset. The second podcast which would help you get over this resistance is on parts work.

I haven’t published the podcast on parts work yet when I do I’ll update the podcast description. You can find the link of the other podcasts I’m mentioning in this episode also in the podcast description.

So if you are practicing and developing, self-love, then rejections will hurt you less. And you can easily move on to other people that you would like to talk to.

That’s the most simplest thing I do. I have changed cities. I have changed places. I’ve changed work places so many times. And wherever I have gone, I had no friends and nobody to even refer me to that place or introduce me to other people. But at the end of one month, I ended up making friends, even in the most strictest professional of environments. I ended up making acquaintances who eventually became my friends. Because I go to meet people and talk to them out of genuine curiosity and genuine interest.

Even better if you already know them online. Because then you know what they do, what they like. We have some idea about the profiles. And when you meet them in real life, it’s so easy to connect because you already know what you like about their profiles. You can talk to them. Hey, you know what? I really like this thing that you’re talking about. Or I noticed it on your social profile and I really liked it. So beginning a conversation with a compliment or telling them what you really like about them, and when you mean it genuinely, is a very good way to open conversations. Just be relaxed. They will not eat you. You don’t have to perform.

So just chill. You approach people, you just say things that interested you. Or you talk about something that both you and that person can relate to with. Like, say for example I went to a conference where they did not have the AC on. And all of us were sweating. So I found somebody who I felt like would really like talking to them. And I went to up to that person and said – “they have switched off the AC. What were they thinking? It’s so hot.” And they’re like- “yeah, exactly!” If you go with an agenda, like I want to flirt with this person, or I want to network with this person for a job, or I want a referral from this person, then they will be able to sense it and they will get defensive immediately.

Because what are they going to get in return and why should they help you? So don’t be that creepy person who is just networking with people, just because they want something. It is okay to want something. But that shouldn’t be your only reason to network with people. Build genuine connections with people. That’s how you’re going to enjoy making new friends.

Even, I’m not an extrovert, I’m an introvert. But I do not come across as an introvert. You know why? I tell you my story. My dad is a super extrovert. And when I was very young, like a three or four years old, my dad used to take me to all kinds of extracurricular activities that he used to participate in.

He was a council member in high court. And he would take me to all those sports events and all those social events that that his workplace would have. All the people who would see a kid with him, they would want to talk to me. And they would ask me how I’m doing and things like that. I was forced to develop those social skills from a very early age. So my initial inhibition or the barriers melted because I had to adapt to that kind of variability that I was facing when my dad took me to so many places. It’s an acquired skill. And I would suggest the same for introverts also, who do not have sufficient energy to interact with many people. You don’t have to interact with many people. You can choose one or two people you really like and approach them. If it doesn’t work out, it’s fine. Move on.

You will find like-minded people gradually. It takes very little effort, one day at a time. You don’t have to spend too much. You can leave that place if you feel drained immediately.

What has worked best for me at any given point of time is just simply being me. Then I’m attracting the kind of people I like and who I love interacting with. Just show genuine interest in the other person. Get to know them for who they are. And show curiosity about the things they have done, or they have said, or things that matter to them.

How can you develop friendship if you are not even interested in that other person? It’s really not difficult, even if you’re an introvert.

All you have to do is gravitate towards people you click with or vibe with. Or just simply you can observe a person and you may like a person. Just go ahead and talk. It’s okay if they are not in the mood or if they are not interested. Move on, talk to somebody else. That’s how you acquire this social skill.

Another most important thing that doesn’t get stressed enough is you need to be presentable when you are meeting somebody for the first time in real life. Even for online presence- what kind of profile picture do you have? A lot of people don’t pay attention to how they are dressing.

Remember it takes five to eight seconds for people to form the first impression about you. That is where, how you dress becomes important.

Dress up in such a way so that you will feel good when you look into the mirror.

As long as you feel good and confident, you will be able to show that confidence in your conversations with others.

You can just look average and you can still be likable. I have seen so many people who looked pretty ordinary. But when you get to talk to them, you really end up liking them. Because of their personality.

And wear clean clothes, neatly ironed clothes, which are not torn.

The point is you look prim and proper up to your best when you are approaching somebody. It’s not just about looks. Once you have made your first impression, the second thing that becomes important is your personality. And if you’re trying to pretend to be somebody you are not, that as extremely off-putting.

People can tell when somebody else is pretending. And it’s very off-putting if you are just throwing what accomplishments you have done. Bragging or even humble bragging is annoying. Every one of us have some or the other kinds of accomplishments. So going and straight away, talking to people about your accomplishments and how well you are doing in your life actually doesn’t connect. Because nobody cares what you have done in your life. What value do you bring to them? Right now. You might be a president of some club. But what does it mean to me?

What is common between you and me? You can be the president of the world. But if we have nothing in common to talk about, then what can I do? We can never be friends. Then it becomes a transactional relationship where I want something from you; you want something from me. That’s not a meaningful connection. That’s not how you make friends.

We think that we are just going to make acquaintances and it’s going to be a transactional relationship. And that’s how we end up having no friends. You have to think long-term. It’s your acquaintances who eventually become your friends when you keep talking with them, when you keep connecting with them for a long time. Over a period of time. You have to spend time with those people. I’m planning to write a book helping you become a well-rounded individual. So that you can become good in multiple aspects of your life. Not just only in work or any specific area in life. So in that book, I’ll have a chapter dedicated to this topic where I go into much more details.

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